Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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