i wish my penis had a tongue
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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