The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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