oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
