I showed him my bush... on skype.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
