I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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