Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
