she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
