sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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