she looked like the before picture.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
