I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
