Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
