i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
