I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
