Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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