Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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