Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
