Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
