So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
