Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I will die if light touches me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
