I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
