And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I wish there were birth control emojis
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I party with great urgency now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
