I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
