WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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