hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
