I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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