Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
They are going to name an STD after you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize