I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If I die, sorry about rent.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
