I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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