I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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