i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I currently don't understand fingers.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
