I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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