we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
