when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
