He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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