u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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