So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
