Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
