Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I know her cup size but not her name....
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
