i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize