Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
