I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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