alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize