A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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