I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I didn't notice because vodka
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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