My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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