I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
