bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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