update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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