No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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