there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
