you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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