never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
