i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
