I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
