I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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