Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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