I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
