I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize