Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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