The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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