I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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