I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You were trust falling into bushes
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
