Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
cat food counts as protein by the way
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
